While doing my quite time last week I ran across the statement, "there's freedom in letting go." When I first read this statement it didn't really mean much more to me than my intial interpretation of it. But as I started thinking about it more and more, this little statement transformed into a whole new meaning to me over the weekend.
This Friday my sweet baby boy turned 8 months old! As I've reflected over the weekend on the past eight months of my life, I can recall so many feelings and emotions. Happiness, Despair, Joy, Uncertainty, Love, Failure, Protective, Scared, Adoration, Fear, Hope, Nervous, Faith, Respect, Amazed, Exhaustion, Stress, Reliance, Assurance, Discouragement, Care, Encouragement, Endurance, Hopeless, Comfort......to name a few. I remember bringing him and thinking "I am not equipped to handle a baby but I guess if God thinks so I better figure it out!", exhausted I laid my head down and prayed for guidance to raise this child in His way, regardless of others and the worlds suggestions and ways. I remember when Cannon was two weeks old and having a mini break down while showering and thinking there is no way I can do this - I am running on zero sleep, breast feeding is too hard and painful, I am a terrible mom b/c he's losing weight since I can't give him what he needs from me, I have a college education and I am completely stumped on how to use all of these baby gadgets; making formula; bathing him; using the Moby wrap, etc., will I ever be able to go shopping again or even be able to get my hair done, how is possible to really go grocery shopping when all of his stuff takes up the inside of the cart, will is always take us 4 hours to get ready to go anywhere, will I ever lose this baby weight, why won't he take a pacifier, when will he get to eat baby food, when will I recover physically from all of this, when will he ever sleep through the night, and about a thousand other thoughts as I sat there sobbing.
Looking back on all of these things tonight, I can honestly say that each of these things has been answered or no longer exists and that is definitely not to my credit - from conception to everyday we wake up it was, has and always will be because of God. There have been alot of changes over the last 8 months but one thing that has remained consistent for me is that same prayer every night which now upon reflection seems be answered everyday in one or another. Of course the changes and challenges never end, once he grows out of one thing, then something new has started - making us feel once again like unfit parents. I can't remember what life was really like with out him, he is constantly on my mind when we are together or apart and I can't fathom life without him. I feel so blessed to have a little 8 month old who is healthily, developing daily - in one month he'll be eating table food, crawling (backwards), flirting (but sorry ladies he already has a girl that he is quite taken by), throwing fits, cuddling/kissing/hugging, he'll pat you on the back, pull hair when he's angry, loves playing with his friends at school, recognizing familiar voices over the phone, trying to pull up, loves playing with Banquet, is figuring out when he does and doesn't want to be dependent, loves all the educational/learning toys and lots of other fun things.
As much as I tell myself I need to let go and let God. I now realize that I also need to let go of Cannon in the way that God lets go of us. He doesn't baby us through everything, make our daily decisions, keep us in a bubble so we are always protected from harm, intervene when good/bad influences make an appearance in our path- we know ultimately that we have to take care of those things for ourselves, however we also know that he is always there for us - for guidance, love, hope, protection, encouragement, forgiveness......sometimes I find myself wanting to hold on to Cannon so tightly and not let go because I don't want him to get hurt, fail, get discouraged, etc. We all at some point in our lives had to give up whatever training aid was holding us back from plunging into that risky adventure whether it was - floaties to learn to swim; training wheels to learn how to ride a bike; I know right now I am Cannon's training wheels and in order for him to flourish through out his life I am going to have to let go more and more of him so he can reach his full potential someday........it's definitely a hard concept for this protective momma to grasp but I know that no matter how much I have to let go of him, a part of him will hopefully always hang on to me for those moments when he needs guidance, love, support, a shoulder to cry on.......no matter how big he gets!
I love you my sweet, little 8 month old baby boy!
love! a struggle for me, too, but definitely something god has given me the strength to do as each of the girls were born.
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